The luckiest daughter

Tonight I’m thinking about the importance of having my parents in my life. Sure, one may call me a daddy’s girl, or a momma’s spoiled child, at first sight. All this because they’ve always seen me so close to my folks or, some people may simply believe that if you get along very well with your parents, it automatically means you were spoiled as a child. But little do they know that probably just like any family, us too have had our share of misunderstandings throughout the years and that just because I’ve always been respectful and aware of everything they did for me, that doesn’t mean I was a spoiled brat.

I am probably one of the luckiest daughters in the world and yes I’m stating this out loud! I don’t know if I’m the best daughter they could have, but I do know they’ve tried their best to raise me well and see me happy and I’m eternally grateful for everything they’ve done for me and for having them as Mom and Dad!
I’m happy and blessed not to be a product of some parents’ ambition to see their child where THEY want her to be. I was always encouraged to find my own path in life, though I know some of my decisions along the way might’ve affected them, but it was something that helped me grow as a human being and fortunately they always knew that, as a parent, you can give advice and help your child, but you can’t prevent them from getting hurt, if that has to happen for them to learn something, it will happen eventually and another lesson of life is learned.

Though, very generally speaking, I’m at peace with where I am right now in life, the work that I do and the dreams I have about it, [that I try hard to put into practice], some things from my past are still probably haunting me, and having two parents that are not just that, but also my best friends that I know I can call even at 3 am, that I know will always want what’s best for me, that will sprinkle even a lil humor and just a teensie-tiny bit of sarcasm [a healthy one :p] here and there [Dad’s the best at it!:)] to make me laugh and take life with a grain of salt and be strong- all this makes me realize how incredibly lucky I am.

Having a strong mind, but a very fragile heart doesn’t make me very proud of myself, but ultimately, this is who I am now as a result of some things I’ve been through, which’ve made me a lil bit demanding with anything and anyone that my heart feels close to. I guess it’s just my heart’s self-defense mechanism. I know that just like I’ve managed to heal a great part of my heart until now, I’ll manage to heal it all, eventually. Having to apologize for who I am at this point in my life is no longer my mantra. I celebrate who I am, good and bad. This is the only way that I can truly heal and go on. Because I do know how I was raised, I do know what’s in my heart and I’m not ashamed with who I am.

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Stay.

Know me

See me

Feel me

In your every move

Your every wish

Your every breath.

Inhale my love.

Don’t shy away.

Give it a chance.

Stay.

A night to remember. A secret.

Let me tell you a story of my childhood, well…almost adolescence days.

It was back in 1998 and I had just participated in a county school human rights contest. I came from 80 miles away to this city [little did I know then that I was going to actually live here some 15 years later] to participate in this contest. Me and a few other colleagues stayed at a boarding school overnight and the next morning we went to a famous high school where the contest was held. 

The contest started at 9 am and lasted for 2 hours. I finished earlier and so I was allowed to leave the classroom. On my way out, I met my teacher, who told me that after all colleagues are done submitting their test papers, we can go visit the mall. [not exactly what you’d call a mall, but it was ’98, it was more like a huge store with other stores in it.] I waited for my colleagues and told them we’re going to go to the mall to buy souvenirs or other stuff we want.

Which is what we did. When I got there, there was a particular booth that caught my attention. The one with cassette tapes and CD’s. Since I had my CD player broken, I bought a couple of cassette tapes instead, among which Savage Garden, Madonna’s album Ray of Light, Solid Harmonie [Europeans know who I’m talking about], and Donna Lewis’ Blue Planet.

The only song I’d heard from her was ‘I love you always forever’ and I liked it a lot. But for the first time, there was something more that drew me towards buying it. For the first time, there was suddenly something about the cover, the title of the album and the titles of all the songs altogether. It should be interesting to listen to a song called Harvest Moon, I said to myself. What could she talk about?  ‘Will love grow”… or ‘Beauty and Wonder”. I had to buy it.

The guy at the booth seemed to be 5-7 years older than me. He smiled gently and carefully placed all the cassette tapes in a plastic bag. I smiled, paid the money. No other clients were at the booth when I came and now, just before I left, people were standing in line to buy tapes. He smiled back and said: “You should come back, I think your love for music is what brought these guys here” and winked. I shyly smiled back one more time, waved him good bye and got out of the store. […]

On our way back to our hometown, I remember my Walkman had a problem and I couldn’t listen to any of the tapes.. 

The night I got home, I fell asleep to Donna’s album. I won’t ever forget that night. How I was lying in bed, looking through the window and watching the stars. I had never seen so many stars in the night sky, or at least, so it seemed to me that night. I remember thinking: next time I get to that city, I’ll go to that same guy and maybe he will recommend me more cassette tapes. 

Although my eyes were closing, I wanted to listen to the whole album. Donna’s voice was absolutely beautiful, she had and still has that certain something, that whispery kind of magic in her voice that makes it so unique, and such powerful lyrics to all of her songs.

I kept watching the stars wondering what’s my life going to be like in 20 years from then. I was looking at Spica, one of the brightest stars in the night sky, [of course, back then I didn’t know its name], and somehow saw myself away from this country, to a faraway place, with kids. And I admit I kinda liked the guy at the booth from that morning, and I closed my eyes and tried to imagine me and him, far away from here… and it didn’t work. I kept opening my eyes and my look would get stuck on Spica for some reason and I swear to God all I could see was a fair-haired guy. I couldn’t see him well and I thought it must be these songs I’m hearing and me being too tired and still sick with the flu. The thought scared me, but intrigued me in a most pleasant way, though. It was almost as if I could barely see him, but just when I thought I could get a glimpse of him in my mind, he was gone. I blamed my imagination, but somehow fell asleep smiling. Still, the vague sight of that man, whom I’ve never really gotten to see, or envision, except maybe his eyes and smile, kept reappearing to me every time I would listen to Donna’s album, especially during the song called ‘Harvest Moon’. 

[…]

Years went by. I grew up, I had my first celebrity crush [Nick Carter from the BSB], then ended it with Nick :)) and fell in love in the real life, for the first time. Then maybe a few secret crushes, then towards the end of high school, first real relationship that lasted 3 years and a half. We broke up and the next day I was walking in the park in my hometown, a little sad and lost, and saw a guy walking by me with his GF. We looked into each other’s eyes and felt like we’ve known each other forever. He was dark-haired and brown-eyed. His smile looked utterly familiar. But we just passed by each other and that was that.  Just a fleeting moment in time. Each went in his/her direction and life moved on. I forgot about him the next second.

Then I fell in love again in college, and I did well with the distance. He didn’t. So we broke up. It hurt, but I had to move on. Then I went out dating a couple of times, but it was obvious we couldn’t click and I still didn’t feel ready to move on and I was preparing for my BA and working all the while at a very famous radio station in the city where I had been studying in college.

Aaaaaand, one day I met a guy. At the radio. He smiled. And his smile was too familiar. I asked him where is he from. Turns out he was from the same county as me, the capital city of the county, where the human rights county contest had been held. We start talking, and I find out his folks, among others, owned a booth inside the city mall, where he was selling tapes in his free time. I also find out that I remind him of a brown-eyed girl who was crazy for music and to this day, he still thinks she had a special aura that brought clients to his store and that I also look a lot like a girl he saw in a park in a resort spa once, who happened to look like that girl at the booth…..

 

Yep. The guy from the booth became my husband.

In the meantime, he got mad and crazy, and hurt my heart and we divorced.

 

I felt lost, because all the signs in this Universe seemed to have agreed that we belonged together, forever. I really loved him with all my heart. When we met, even his car registration number said 092284, my birth day, month and year. Our mothers have the same name, our dads have the same name. Everything had too much sense. Only our marriage didn’t. He was amazing, then he lost it and let all the bad stuff in him come out and I couldn’t save him from becoming the worst version of himself and I hated myself for that.

[…]

Now, on this beautiful September night, while I’m at my cousin’s place, I’m listening to Donna’s Harvest Moon in my earphones and wondering what is Fate’s next move for me. Could it be that the guy from the booth was just a lesson? Could it be that the love and unexplainable joy[well maybe not so unexplainable, after all] I feel inside are indicative of the fact that I’m only now discovering what true love is? Like that, in silence? Or maybe I’ve always been capable of such deep emotions, I just probably always yearned for a confirmation of some feelings in return and now I’m realizing I don’t need it, that I can just send it miles away into the atmosphere and smile at the thought that whatever that beautiful soul might be doing now, or whoever he’s with, that he suddenly smiles and even if he doesn’t know why, even if he doesn’t know that it’s because I sent him my beautiful thoughts, that at least he’s ok. No, not OK, but great. Happy and with less and less sadness in his soul.

 

Now, on this serene September night, with only 2 weeks before I’m getting older and let’s all pray to God – more mature – I look at the starry sky and Donna’s Harvest Moon has the same effect on me!

And it scares me a little, after all this time. After everything that happened in my life. All the people I’ve met in the meantime and the faces I’ve seen….. 

 

So I’ll just go back to sleep.

Believing there’s a reason behind everything.

Even for me writing about a song called Harvest Moon, on a Harvest Moon night, when I didn’t even plan it. 🙂

Night-night.

Beauty and magic: the ♥ of Transylvania

Sophia’s Mom thought I needed one more weekend getaway, before I start my work as an English and German teacher and also, a new chapter of my life. So we got together one day and planned [what we hoped would turn out to be] a fabulous trip to the heart of Transylvania, along with her husband, one other beautiful couple I’ve introduced a while ago, [ they got married in the meantime and she’s 4 months pregnant,]  and my cousin, whom I’m staying at since… yesterday, a wonderful 33 years old married woman, whose husband works at a company in New Zealand  🙂 

Originally, the trip was going to consist only of grown-ups, but the plan changed and we took the little one along with us on a trip and she was the cutest most reasonable kid ever to be on a trip 😛

IDSC02790f you ever get to Romania, you have to visit Sibiu. Having been named The Capital of Europe a few years ago, it definitely has that certain something which will only make you wanna spend more days than you’ve planned to spend there. It is THE place where all the rock, indie-rock, jazz, but also dubstep, electronic etc bands gather together on various festivals. All the festivals and concerts are held in the Great Square, where you can find the most beautiful Baroque buildings, dating back from the time Sibiu was occupied by the Saxons of Transylvania [of German origin].

In the Small Square, just as you get out of the Great Square past the Roman-Catholic Church with its famous Tower, you will find a great variety of restaurants of all sorts, presenting a wide range of cuisines from Traditional Romanian to German, French, Italian, Greek, Mexican etc etc etc.

IMG_20140809_195946The Council Tower [located in the Great Square] offers a great view from the top. You can see all of Sibiu and its landmarks and it is a good starting point to a visit of the city. You will find explanations for the main landmarks you see from the top so it is like a mini tour guide. 

To get to the top you have to climb 7 flights of stairs but do not worry, there are chambers were you can stop, admire the view and the exhibits (they change but are usualy lovely).
A really cool thing is that you can see the mechanism of the tower’s clock, made exclusively by a Swiss engineer back in 1474 !
The view from the top floor is great but prepare yourself – it will be really hot if you visit during summer! Even so, it is worth it.
This is a must in Sibiu and it costs only 2 lei [that’s like half a dollar].

Also, very famous is the Bridge of Lies. It is interesting hearing the stories of this bridge. That whilst standing on the bridge if you told a lie, the bridge would fall down….Local custom has lovers pledge vows of love on the bridge. Apparently many years ago miscreants would be tossed from the bridge. It is really not that long of a distance between the bridge and the road below.6722702-Bridge_of_Lies_Sibiu 

It’s only a couple of footsteps from the Tower that you find The Brukenthal National Museum, which is a complex of six museums without being separate administrative entities. They are situated in different locations around the city and have their own distinct cultural programmes. The Art Galleries are located inside the Brukenthal Palace and include a number of about 1,200 works belonging to the main European schools of painting. The Brukenthal Library is also located inside the Brukenthal Palace. It comprises approximately 300,000 library units (manuscripts, incunables, rare foreign books, old Romanian-language books, contemporary books and specialised magazines).The Museum of History is part of a building which is considered to be the most important ensemble of non-religious Gothic architecture in Transylvania. The museum initially focused its activities on representing the historic characteristics of Sibiu and its surroundings, but in time it has come to reflect the entire area of Southern Transylvania.he Museum of Pharmacology is located in an historical building dated 1569, where one of the oldest pharmacies in present-day Romania was located. It is the basement of this house where Samuel Hahnemann invented homeopathy and developed his version of treatment. The furniture is in Viennese style. The exhibition is organized on the structure of a classical pharmacy that includes two laboratories, a homeopathic sector and a documentation sector. It contains over 6,000 ancient medical instruments and dispensing tools from the time when Sibiu was home to more chemists than anywhere else in Transylvania.The Museum of Natural History began to take shape in 1849, through the foundation of the Transylvanian Society of Natural Sciences, while The Museum of Arms and Hunting Trophies reflects the evolution in time of weapons and hunting tools. 

All in all, a very interesting place to visit, in my opinion.

IMG_20140809_195544I first visited Sibiu with my parents when I was little. The second time was on June 1st, when Sibiu was just a part of our trip to other surrounding regions, and I stayed one night at the Continental Forum Hotel downtown [I highly recommend it]. It was then that I witnessed a very cute parade called ShirtBike, where hundreds of ladies came dressed in Romanian traditional shirts and skirts and rode their bikes through the Huet Square, in an effort to encourage exercising and moving instead of just staying at home, glued to the computer. Also, on June 1st, The Great Square hosted a festival for children, and on 10434312_10203028140038582_7440798713521278118_nthe Pedestrian alley that leads to the Square, people from all over the country came to expose their art and craft talents. If you were there, you simply felt drawn to each crafts booth, it was insane 🙂 I bought a hand-made bracelet, saying “Love will find a way” [just like that, in English], been wearing it ever since. [Still hoping it will :p] 🙂

IMG_20140808_131118This last weekend, we stayed 20 miles from Sibiu, somewhere between Sibiu and Brasov [another interesting city of this country], at a very lovely hotel, with a superbe view. But we would only be there in the evenings and mornings for breakfast, as the rest of the day was usually dedicated to visiting some cute sites.

One of them was the Toorda Salt Mine. Salt was first extracted here during the antique times and the mine continuously produced table salt from the Middle Ages (the mine being first mentioned in 1075) to the early 20th century (1932). Since 1992, this salt mine has been a halotherapy center and a popular tourist attraction [and since this girl’s kinda crazy for salty foods…and salt in general, Soph’s parents were always keeping an eye on me not to scratch the mine’s walls and taste some salt, which I must admit it kinda crossed my mind at one point lol]. In 2008, the salt mine enters a broad process of modernization and improvement within the pale of program PHARE 2005 ESC large regional/local infrastructure, worth 6 million euros, being rendered to the tourist circuit starting with January 2010. IMG_20140809_144756

Among the main attractions of the mine are: 

The Iosif Mine, which can be visited through the balconies carved in salt and it is located next to the Franz Josef Gallery. This mine is a conical chamber of 112 meters deep with 67 meters at the base. Because its shape and lack of communications with the other major mining points this mine has a powerful sound echo, reason why it is also called “Echoes Room”.

The Crivac room – this octagonal room hosts a winch called “crivac” or “gepel”, rudimentary installation used for lifting salt rocks on the surface. It dates from 1881. This machine replaced another, smaller in size, that was installed in 1864. It is the only machine of this kind in all salt mines in Romania and probably in Europe that keeps in its original location.IMG_20140809_145746

The Terezia mine – it is a conical mine (bell mine). Salt mining in this type of room left behind underground halls of impressive dimensions: 90 m height and 87 m diameter. The depth from the mouth of the shafts to the base of the mine is 112 m. A “cascade of salt”, an underground lake, stalactites and salt efflorescences complete the inert equilibrium of the giant bell. The underground lake is between 0.5 and 8 m deep and is extended on about 80% of the operating room hearth area. In the center of the lake there is an island formed from residual salt deposited here after 1880, year when salt mining was stopped in this room.

IMG_20140809_152027

The Rudolf Mine – 42 meters deep, 50 meters wide and 80 meters long, Rudolf mine is the last place where salt was exploited in Turda. Through the compartment of access, 172 steps lead to the mine hearth. On the walls of each of the 13 “floors” is marked the year when the respective level was exploited. On the north-western ceiling formed over the years salt stalactites, some even three meters long. The panoramic elevator offers tourists an overview of the whole mine.IMG_20140809_150104

The Gizela mine and technical rooms in the north-eastern extremity of the salt mine are similar to those of Rudolf mine, but much smaller because the salt exploration stopped shortly after the opening of this mine. Currently this mine is equipped as a spa treatment room with natural aerosols.

DSC02873The underground gallery of this mine constitutes a geological reserve, access to tourists being not allowed in this room. It is situated 15 m above the transport gallery (Franz Josef gallery). Infiltrations of water on the extraction pit determined the deposition of efflorescences and formation of stalactites, and in the lake that partially covers the hearth of the room formed salt crystals. The room has received the tourist name of Crystal hall.

These details are mainly technical, but now I’m gonna tell you that this salt mine has a tennis field, a golf track, a football field, a billiard and pool hall, a salt lake with boats for tourists, a theatre and cinema hall, a playground for children, a ferris wheel and also a specially-designed place, sort of like a larger gazebo, where you can go and relax. IMG_20140809_150708

Of course I couldn’t leave the salt mine without buying 3 bags of salt, 1 kg per each, and I promised those guys I’ll be back to buy more when I run out of it LOL. With my sweet tooth for salt :))), I’ll keep the company going for many years, for sure :))))

Oh, and I forgot to tell you. We even met Mickey and Minnie Mouse. Sophia was finally in her element 🙂 IMG_20140809_150200

We left the salt mine, and returned to Sibiu to have dinner at Delis Restaurant, located in the Small Square, which name speaks for itself [Delice in French means Feast, or something appetizing, delicious]. In the Great Square, hundreds of people were already arriving for the Rock Concert. I loved the atmosphere! As we finished dinner, we headed back to the hotel. We needed enough energy for the next day, when we were going to pass the Fagarasi Mountain, on the famous Transfagarasan.  

Which we did. And it was amazing. This was my second time on the Transfagarasan, my first having been in 2001. A little bit of info on this winding road.

It was built as a strategic military route, that stretches 90 km with twists and turns that run north to south across the tallest sections of the Southern Carpathians, between the highest peaks in the country, Moldoveanu, and the second highest, Negoiu. The road connects the historic regions of Transylvania and Wallachia, and the cities of Sibiu and Pitesti.The road climbs to 2,034 metres altitude, making it the 2nd highest mountain pass in Romania after Transalpina.DSC02964 The most spectacular route is from the North to South. It is a winding road, dotted with steep hairpin turns, long S-curves, and sharp descents. It is both an attraction and a challenge for hikers, cyclists, drivers and motorcycle enthusiasts alike. Due to the topography, the average speed is around 40 km/h. The road also provides access to Balea Lake and Balea Waterfall.

ThIMG_20140810_112640e road is usually closed from late October until late June because of snow. Depending on the weather, it may remain open until as late as November. It may also be closed at other times, because of weather conditions (it occasionally snows even in August). There are signs at the town of Curtea de Arges and the village of Cartisoara that provide information on the passage. Travellers can find food and lodging at several hotels or chalets (cabane) along the way.IMG_20140810_111727

It has more tunnels (a total of 5) and viaducts than any other road in Romania. Near the highest point, at Balea Lake, the road passes through Balea Tunnel, the longest road tunnel in Romania (884 m).

Among the attractions along the southern section of the road, near the village of Arefu, is the Poienari fortress. The castle served as the residence of Vlad III the Impaler, the prince who inspired Bram Stoker’s Dracula character [which is only that: a legend. No one here’s a vampire, I can assure you :p]. There is a parking area and a path to the ruins.

The northern section is used for annual cycling competitions including the Tour of Romania (Romanian: Turul României). The difficulty of this section is considered to be very similar to Hors Categorie climbs (literally beyond categorization) in the Tour de France.

In September 2009 the cast and crew of the British television show Top Gear were seen filming along the road. The segment appeDSC02936ared in the first episode of Series 14 which first aired November 15, 2009. They were in the country on a grand tour with an Aston Martin DBS V12 Volante, Ferrari California and a Lamborghini Gallardo LP560-4 Spyder. Host Jeremy Clarkson went on to declare the Transfagarasan as “the best road in the world” – a title that the presenters previously gave to the Stelvio Pass in Italy.

After we reached the peak and saw the Balea Lake, we drove through the tunnel which separates the county of Sibiu from County Arges. As we got out of the tunnel what we basically did was to drive for more than an hour, ‘descending’ the Transfagarasan, which is no picnic, as the road is very winding. I tDSC02929hanked God one more time I didn’t have a problem with that and I didn’t feel sick, but I can’t say the same thing about little Sophia. 😦 Her Mom had special pills, though, and all turned out to be fine. As you ‘descend’ these beautiful mountains, at one point you  realize there’s a lake in your right. You keep driving for tens of minutes and it’s still there. After less than 40 minutes from seeing the lake in your right, you finally reach what is called the Vidraru Dam. This is a logjam which was built between 1961 and 1966, during the communist regime. The dam’s height is 166 metres, the arch length 305 meters and it can store 465 million cubic metres of water. The reservoir has a totalIMG_20140810_133213 shoreline (perimeter) length of 28 km, less then the Bicaz Dam, which is very close to where I live and which has more than 50 km of shoreline. Nevertheless, the Vidraru Dam looks very…majestic, so to speak, or in less academical language “man, that’s huge” :))) [I have the strange feeling that if I were in US, the next sentence would be “That’s what she said”. But whatever, let’s move on to our next topic LOL] 

Wait, theIMG_20140810_133715re is no other topic. After we left the Vidraru Dam, we reached the city of Curtea de Arges, with the famous Monastery of Arges, located in the middle of the city. We visited it, we loved the architecture and the story behind it, but we couldn’t stay a lot, because it was midday and Soph’s Dad had to go to work the next day, and we still had 350 miles of driving north, back to home.

Which, Thank God, we did, safe and sound  🙂

It wIMG_20140810_105417as a wonderful experience and I can barely wait to visit some other sites in my country and even abroad. But for now, a little more summer holiday and then work, work, work. I need to also open that foundation for children and women, and I need to work a lot for this. But I have a dream and it’s keeping me happy and hopeful that I can make a difference. I’m aware that nothing comes for free in life, I love working and contributing and I hope the new chapter in my life will not bring happy new beginnings and changes just for me, but also joy, love and happiness to the people who’ve made a difference in my life, good or bad. We all go through life learning and no one is pIMG_20140808_141716erfect.

I love you all and I thank all of you who know me for coming into my life. Some of you ended up hating me, some of you saw through me and cared enough to look into my heart, some of you got tired/bored of me, some of you think you know me but you don’t and I wish you made a little more room in your hearts for me, because I love you all and you’ve all been a part of my spiritual growth. You’re all important to me. 

After all, life itself is a journey of self-discovery, but we can always discover more of ourselves, through the people we encounter along the way, people who, one way or another, manage to touch our hearts. They make us who we are. Without them, the journey wouldn’t make sense.sdes

        Thank you! ♥

Hey there :)

First night at my cousin’s place. Lots of chocolate milk [it’s crazy how after all this time, having both spent most of our childhood’s summer holidays at grandma’s place, we both still love chocolate milk. Even at midnight lol], lots of reminiscing, laughing …. Just a great evening 🙂

Will be back here tomorrow to write about my trip to the ♥ of Transylvania, a very under-rated and misunderstood tiny dot of this Planet, and maybe post a couple of pics of the places  I’ve visited.

Stay tuned, everyone 🙂

And smile 🙂

Kate

Here we go

I’m sitting here in front of this computer, feeling happy and scared at the same time.

I am a free woman, yet I feel a little bit lost and confused. My whole being is trying to readjust to this new state of independence.

I’m still undergoing healing, but I’m much better. I’m moving tomorrow, though, which is a big step for me. I’m staying with my cousin until I can find an apartment, since I haven’t really had the time to search for one, given the exams and all, but I hope I’ll be able to have my own place by mid – October.

I’m not sure I’ll sleep tonight. I’m leaving a place full of memories. Not all of them were bad. That’s not to say I’ll think about the past, it’s just that I can’t be oblivious to the fact that this place carries lots of energy, and as long as I’m here for a few more hours, I can still feel it.

I’ve watched a chick-flick tonight, for the first time in a long time, and I admit I felt so incredibly lonely, with no one to laugh and goof around with, teasing each other, eventually ending up kissing, etc, etc…

I’m looking at an almost empty space and it hurts a little bit to know we couldn’t work it out. Because deep down in my heart I know I would’ve tried my best to turn this place into a haven of joy. The Kate everyone knew before 2010-2011 – that’s when things started falling apart – was a jovial, optimistic, fun-to-be-around girl. One that was full of life and dreams and aspirations. A strong woman, who, despite being sensitive, despite having some mean colleagues at work, was pretty much a happy, fulfilled person. Because she could still believe in love… because looking at her man, she could still feel home…

I’m afraid and I won’t lie about it. There are questions, unanswered questions, and not knowing the answers freaks me out. Will love find me? Will I ever be loved again? Will someone care about me enough to look into my heart and explore it and give it a chance? Take off the layers of fear, doubt, sadness, until he reaches the original happy, caring, loving, goofy, funny Kate? Or will he just listen to what X or Y or Z has to say about me, like nasty lies cleverly disguised as polite words? I have a trust issue with women, and I won’t hide that. 😦 What if he ends up being mean? What if he uses me?  What if he wants perfection? Will he care enough to open up his heart to me and let me touch it and love it the best way I can?

And then there’s that time of confusion, when you don’t know what to make of certain situations, or maybe you just fail to understand the message. Or maybe the lesson behind it…

But I guess these are every newly-divorced woman’s fears.

I know I’ll be fine. I just know it. I have to trust fate.

I guess stepping into the unknown scares me a little bit. And tonight, I feel a little lonely, too.

But in my heart, there’s a big room full of love. From the tiniest ant, to the most giant whale, from the smallest plant to the tallest tree, from the most innocent  child, to  sometimes the most dangerous people, I simply care. Therefore, I invest my feelings and emotions, laying my heart  on the table. And usually I end up being hurt. But if that’s a karmic lesson, then so be it.

All I know is that I’ve been incredibly blessed to meet people who’ve changed me and made me look at life from a different perspective, and I’m grateful.

Am I ready?

Yep.

Here we go.

Rust and Stardust Part II

There had to be a sequel to my previous blog post.

I need to talk about this. I haven’t been able to write about my own feelings lately, for some reason. If anything, I haven’t even tried to. Didn’t feel the need to. Trapped in between studying, a Mom with a sore knee, two adorable kittens who need a full-time Mom and my own personal life’s changes, I found myself unable to write anything about myself, at first. Gradually, as I started to understand a little bit of what was going on in my life and heart, I began to understand that there comes a time when one just has to let life take its course, let all emotions, the good and the bad ones, gather together and finally get a sense of what has been happening lately and where they need to go from there.

Looking back, I guess I just used this time to better understand who I am and what I want, by letting all emotions gather up inside my heart, and slowly yet unintentionally, categorize them and kicking out the bad ones, to make some more room for the good ones to grow. That basically means I’ve been undergoing a whole process, which also probably means I needed to be there, in the moment, facing whatever I had to face to make the spiritual growth happen: my past, my own mistakes, fears, insecurities, frustration, but also strength of mind, optimism, joy of living, and last, but not least, love.

That’s why I didn’t write anything. Because it seems I was too busy trying to figure myself out. Too busy healing.

Nevertheless, I haven’t gotten rid of all the bad emotions who’d been bottling up inside of me for a while. I haven’t yet gotten rid of the sad feeling that I’ve lost some friends along the way, and, as much as I try even now to understand why, I can’t seem tdescărcare (1)o figure it out. I’ve spent night after night, blaming myself, blaming my heart, my soul, my brain, basically my entire being, my whole existence, in a time where gaining self-worth was crucial for me, for something which, in my humble opinion, trust along with good communication would have solved in a blink of an eye. When you know you’ve never intended to hurt anyone in your entire life, especially your best friends, and that you never even thought of that or did anything to do that, it hurts to know you’re portrayed as a mean-spirited person.

The only thing that kept me moving was knowing that the Higher Force that created me knows who I am, knows my heart and my true intentions in this world. And that motivated me a great deal.

So I’ve moved on with my life, which is what I still do, but somewhere, in some corner of my heart, I still miss the old days, to which I sometimes wander with my mind, when my days look low. I know they say living in the past only holds you back from what could become a beautiful future, but I don’t see it as living in the past. I see it as having good ol’ memories, which make you smile and you sometimes feed your soul with them. That doesn’t mean clinging to the past. I still know I have a life to live, and, to be honest, I’m undergoing changes which make me feel that my life is only about to begin. Missing the old days is just a part of the process, and I must say in all honesty that I wouldn’t have been where I am today, if it hadn’t been for many of the people I’ve come to know in the last 12 months of my life. Good or less good, memories make you become more aware of who you are and they can be the very light to guide you on your journey to self-discovery…

How I see my life in the last 12 months? Like the Universe created this piece of art called Life and gave it to my body as a present. It is made of iron, so that I can resist the challenges I must face. But everytime I refuse to understand the reason behind those challenges, or I refuse to fight in order to grow, I give in. I might cry inside, so the iron captures rust. With the little strength that I have left, I pray for a miracle, and in the darkest night, I get … a fistful of stardust, to place it on my rusty wounds and start to heal. This is the very process I’m going through right now…

I’ve been lucky enough to be sprinkled with a fistful of stardust. Miracles like that don’t happen often. They may come in the shape of beautiful places you visit, places that live an unexplainably wonderful impression on your soul, or a child’s smile on a summer afternoon, a beautiful rainbow after a summer evening rain, or perhaps disguised as people who are there for a while and then they slowly go away (even if that’s the last thing that you want :(), leaving, just like comets, a trail of angelic bluish light in our hearts, reminding us that life is a flow of love, requring only our participation. And kindness. And a smile from the depths of the heart.

Rust and stardust

I think there’s a time for crying. There’s a time for crying your heart out, wondering why did it have to happen to you. There’s a time for letting all the pain out and moving on. There’s a time for learning. There’s a time for growing. Just as there’s a time for watching sunset with different eyes. Wiser eyes.

There’s a time for smiling with all your heart. Knowing the love you nurture for all the Universe and the living creatures, for Nature, for music, for kind souls is enough to make you feel life’s worth living.

There’s that time when you decide that keeping a blog and not deleting it, is actually not a bad thing. You’ve shown your innermost feelings, you’ve put them out there, with the risk of being judged, misunderstood, ridiculed, mocked, left aside. It’s your life on a piece of virtual paper. You can go back and look at how sad you were and how much you’ve grown since then. So, you decide you’re keeping it.

I’m happy to say I’m not so agitated anymore. My life has taken a turn even I wouldn’t have expected to take so fast. Changing my job, preparing to move, while  trying to still keep on doing the things I love and give my heart joy. Surviving times of confusion, learning to make peace with my past, learning to embrace the moment of now.

Last week I found myself juggling through my soon-to-be ex job and my soon-to-be future one. Studying, preparing. Translating, getting home late. Preparing for exam. Emotions. Then happiness. Life is made of all these little things, which, oddly enough, make you who you are this very moment. But all in all…

I’m in a place of inner peace, I think.

A place where I accept myself more. Because I know I have a job here on Earth, which gives me the sense that I’m worth something, that I’m not completely unworthy.

A place where loneliness no longer hurts. Have you ever had that feeling where, although surrounded by your best friends, you still felt a little lonely? Like something was missing? Like you’ve had to put up with too much sadness and now you cannot even tell joy from sorrow? I’ve had that. And now I’m learning that happiness lies within me first and that heart’s most beautiful feelings can hurt a little bit, but ultimately, it’s the joy of being able to feel beautiful things that must make one feel whole.

A place where I’ve realized the reality of how small I am compared to the greatness of this Universe and even this tiny Planet in the Solar System called Earth. But that tens of thousands of Earth miles means ZERO to the vastness in which this Planet floats, and therefore, it means zero to the heart too. 🙂

A place where true friendship, just like true love, stands the test of time.

Where I realize more and more that kindness values more than anything in this world.

“And the rest is rust and stardust”, just like Vladimir Nabokov would say.

Random Saturday Thoughts

I don’t even know how to begin.

Didn’t even think I was gonna write something, in the first place.

Still, I can feel it simmering. It’s there, it’s somewhere in some small corner of my soul, waiting to come to surface.

Well, whatever it is, will just naturally ‘flow’ disguised as a bunch of lines belonging to a blog post.

It will probably not make any sense, because I do not intend to give this blog post a specific meaning or title. I just want to write down whatever comes to my mind, whatever comes from the soul, whatever I feel in this moment.

I can visualize the Earth right now… You know, I used to fall asleep when I was little visualizing it. I have no idea just how did I know how Earth  looked like from above or the fact that the Universe was this dark place filled with tiny yellow lights, but I did. I would see the Earth spinning and I would gravitate in its vicinity, sort of like a NASA satellite, observing, studying, feeling mesmerized by the beauty of it. You will think I’m crazy, I know it, but I’d lay down in bed, eyes closed, visualizing all I’ve mentioned above and feel Earth slowly spinning around. I know. Maybe it was me. Or something in my brain. But I was the “little sattelite” gravitating around this beautiful Planet, seeing the Oceans, the Mountains, the seas, the green grass fields, until I would eventually fall asleep smiling.

Other times I would fall asleep gazing at a star. I’d just pick a star and watch it from my bed, as I was lying down. It was so peaceful, so serene, so innocent. The thing that shocks me now, thinking about it, is the fact that I was 5 back then, and dreaming of such big things already… I longed with a passion I cannot explain in words, to find out what is up there, beyond the clouds, the vast light blue color above me, beyond the stars, beyond the Moon and the Sun…

greatest hero poem on lighthouse(1)My Mom and Dad remember even now how I used to share all my toys. They tried to teach me to share things and not be a scrooge, but there were oh so many times I’d come back inside empty-handed: no dolls, no teddy bears, no nothing.

“-Where’s your favorite doll? Mom used to ask.

-Oh, mama, you see, there is Juliana from accross the street, and you know her Mom is in a wheelchair, and they have no Dad, and she has no money to buy one. I figured she needed her more than I did. But could you buy me another one, when you get your monthly salary?

-Oh, Catalina honey… what are we gonna do with you? It’s so good that you shared it, and you should always be kind. Always remember what me and Dad have always tried to teach you, but honey, I trust you’ll understand when you grow up and know how to guard your heart. [Turning to Dad, whispering]. Oh, honey, I can’t tell her just how rough the grown-up world can be, and that sharing absolutely everything might eventually turn against her…

[Dad to Mom]: I’ll talk to her when time is right. She understands anyway. You know, I think this little girl of ours will end up building a foundation for children and poor people. That’s how I see things…

[Mom to Dad]: Yeah, I think so too…

Cata, honey, go wash your hands. Time for dinner now. And about the salary thing, you know mama told you we have to buy your brother everything he needs for school, and pay all the bills, and have enough money left to eat and… but you know what? If you promise to try to be a good, kind daughter, I’ll do my best to buy you a new doll. And maybe, from time to time, you can let one of them take a nap, and you go play outside without them…What do you say?

-Ok, mama. I understand. “

What happened to that little girl who understood life better than she does now, as a grown-up? Was it the innocence of her soul, the light heart, that hadn’t yet met the struggles of life, the hurt, the loneliness… the mistakes, the regret, the pain…?

I know mama isn’t lying, because I can remember it myself, like it was yesterday. I was just a little kid, but I understood things. I would never stop in the middle of the street, crying and stumping my feet on the ground, so that I can have it my way. My parents would talk to me in a very normal way, not using the baby language anymore. And I remember now so clearly… it wasn’t that my folks didn’t have the money to buy me the dolls and all the teddy bears and even cars I wanted. They just wanted me to be able to appreciate these things, because so many other children around me didn’t afford to have them, so I was sometimes made to wait. And I would wait. Patiently. They say I was a good kid. I don’t know, but I guess I was a kid who never caused trouble.

I did have my moments, like any other child, but my Dad took care I learned all the lessons there are to learn from every mistake. One time, my brother went to his bedroom for 3 minutes, and during that time I broke a vase. Guess he didn’t even hear it breaking. I got so scared, I hid it somewhere very fast, I don’t even remember where. My parents came home and they saw the look on my face. They even noticed the vase was missing and the flowers were in tha-mother-is-she-who-can-take-the-place-pic-300x300e garbage can. My Dad asked me if there’s something I need to tell him. I looked into his eyes and first I said No. He gently asked me one more time. I started crying… He looked at me with his kind green eyes, took me in his lap and said: “If admitted, every mistake is automatically half forgiven”. Then I burst into tears even harder and told him what happened. I was playing tennis on my own in the living room. Dad told me tennis is way more fun to play outside and inside we can break things, which is not a good thing, and besides it will only upset mama more. And she’s tired from work and we don’t want to see her sad. And that, in life, lying will only help you for a very short while, but eventually will come around to cause you only trouble. So, always tell the truth and be honest with yourself and the others.

He would always have these conversations with me, whenever I’d do something not so good, or even if I did something very good. He’d always be there with the advice, the lesson. Often, my Mom would join the conversation, when she wasn’t busy cooking or doing things around the house.

I remember this other thing that always makes me cry. Communist Romania was quite a rough time for the population, but my parents were doing pretty good. They weren’t the only ones to live decently and really quite ok. Nevertheless, ‘doing pretty good’ meant a lot of hard work and would sometimes require sacrifices. Looking back, it seems weird that it was hard to find the more ‘exotic’ fruits back then, such as bananas, or oranges, but yes. They were hard to find, you had to know people who knew people who knew other people and pay some extra cash to be able to buy some good fruits, and not have to wait for days or even weeks. 😦 So, right before dinner time, my Dad would come from work, with a bag of goodies for their children. And we’d be waiting and I would jump in his arms and kiss his cheeks so hard. And he’d tell us: “This is for you, my beautiful children”. We would open the bag and find oranges and bananas, and sometimes even mangos. We would not even blink or breathe, we would start eating them so fast, like we were in a competition… Dad would just sit on a chair watching us, smiling. I would take a banana and go to him and ask him ” Daddy, would you like to eat a banana?” He’d smile gently and say “No, sweetie, thank you. Daddy doesn’t really like bananas or oranges, or mangos.” Mom would turn me down as politely as Dad and  would then watch him and silent tears would fall from her eyes. “Mama, is everything OK?” I would asked, worried. “Sure honey. Sure. Just got something in my eyes”.

It took almost 10 to 15 years to find out that Dad really actually loved exotic fruits. He just wanted to see his children happy…

katiebaby2Other than that, communist Romania was not exactly as bad as they portray it. Some things were even better than what happens in nowadays Romania. 😦 But, we were far from the Western Civilization and people were longing to be free, to speak their minds without fearing they’d be imprisoned, to not have to stand in a queue at the store until fainting, just to get a bottle of milk… There were very good and very bad things about that period of time, but all I can remember is a wonderful, really carefree childhood, filled with amazing memories. And when I think about that time, oh my goodness, tears are filling up my eyes, because the nostalgia I get is too intense to bear.

The green grass fields in my grandma’s village, the yard in which I used to play… Yes, I spent all my summer holidays there, I was crazy about that place. I grew up drinking fresh milk from my grandparents’ cow and eating fresh eggs. I was always rosy-cheeked throughout that period of time, and I guess even now. A little. I was playing with my many cousins, I had my favourite Jonathan apple tree, in grandma’s back yard, where I loved to climb and watch the sky, the clouds, and whole village. My grandma’s house was located in the middle of the village, on a hill, you could see the entire landscape. It was amazing. I would make up songs in my head every day, I would play with the flowers, bees and butterflyes. I would help deliver baby pigs and spent an entire night with grandma in the barn, to wait for Breaza [grandma’s cow] to give birth. She would always have baby…boys, for some reason 🙂 I would experience all of these very simple, apparently redneck things, but which shaped the way I see and understand life and the miracle that it is. I would spend my days surrounded by ducks and chicken, piglets, sheep, cats and dogs…

I will never forget Johnny, the kitten me and my cousin found on a street in the village. He belonged to a lady there, but she saw that I fell for Johnny so bad, she had already a few other kittens, so she gave him to us. Johnny grew into this beautiful cat, who we trained to jump in a special manner. I remember “Bear” and “Laika”, our two black dogs, their loyalty and how me and my cousin we’d play on virtually all of the village’s hills and fields, always accompanied by them. Laika was Bear’s mother. Sometimes we’d play a lot, and rain would come, my cousin would take Laika in his arms and I’d take Bear and cover him with all my clothes…

But Laika died one day and… not long after, Bear did too. He just walked away from grandma’s home. After his mom died, he was not the same anymore, however hard we tried to cheer him up. The vet came, he said he was ok. But, one day, we saw him go. We thought the might take a walk and come back. We found him the second day, dead. He just  missed his mom too much, I guess…:( I cried for days.

But then this little miracle came into my life… His name was Tommy and he made my childhood beautiful. Everytime I’d come to visit grandma, he’d hear me and grandma always used to say that even from a two miles away, he could sense me and he had that special kind of barking and grandma said: “Oh, Catalina must be arriving now”. 🙂 I don’t even want to mention how we lost Tommy some 7 years after havingme and tommy received him as a present from a friend, it’s just too sad to talk about it… I close my eyes though, and I see that little bundle of fur, you could almost not see his eyes… then how he grew up and how many beautiful stories we have of him. How he defended the cow from being bitten by a weasel, how he defended me and my cousin from a group of wild dogs, and oh, so many others. It would take me pages…

I dreamt of my grandma last night, and for the first time in a long time now, I saw my Dad, my…lost Dad in my sleep. I’ve started this blog post wanting to write down my random thoughts, but I admit I knew I had wanted to write about my last night dream. I fell asleep with my earphones on, listening to music…And I was thinking about my friends when I fell asleep. How life decided we should all meet, how we were probably supposed to meet in this life and share our experiences and learn from each other and grow. And make a difference. And I thought that each of my friends has his/her own contribution to this world. And I could just visualize each one is his/her own country and how the Planet is already a little better, just because we have the purest feelings for each other, just because we all are trying to make a difference, each in his/her own little way. It gave me goosebumps, thinking that a bunch of people can actually do so much, just by having love in their hearts. Love for this Planet and everything beautiful that resides in it. I can’t explain how I visualized it in my mind, the Planet and us making a change, but it was so beautiful, that I wish, you the one reading this now, could be in my head for a second…

So, I fell asleep happy, governed by a feeling of sheer joy. And I dreamt of my grandma and her son, my Dad. And Dad talked to me. A short sentence. But he basically answered to all I’d ever wanted to know. 🙂

I don’t know why sometimes it takes years to realize you’ve missed all the opportunities that this life has so generously layed down before you, putting them at your disposal. I don’t know why sometimes, you have to get back to your inner child, to understand more about life then you would as a grown up. I don’t know why you have to break up so that you can pull yourself back together. I don’t know why good people have to die and appear in your dreams, when they could’ve been right here, but probably me and my second Dad [it sounds so freakin’ weird calling him ‘2nd Dad’…] had to meet.

I don’t know why many things are meant to be happening in my life right now.

All I know is that I am here. Now. I breathe. And I’m not gonna waste my time anymore.

Maybe my childhood stories are trying to tell me something.

Maybe there’s the opportunity I should most be sorry I’ve missed.

Singing, translating, writing, radio, they can be all done in my free time.

Maybe Universe is giving me a big clue here.

Life is NOW. It’s HERE. If I take just one tiny step and trust it, I know the Universe will come up with all the answers, without me ever having to ask a single question in the first place. Everything will fall into place. Like all those times Kate remembered this tiny lil’ secret:

“Life is a flow of Love. Only your participation is required. “

 ss-110531-misp-19.ss_full

Still… marchin’ on.

Wish I had some words that could explain what I feel right now. Wish I could write them on the skyline, let everyone see what lies deep down in my heart, do something that makes me so freaking vulnerable that I’d feel forced to finish crying these stubborn tears that won’t seem to stop from falling right now.

What is wrong with me? 😦

Is it me letting go yet a little bit more of my past, is it me being disappointed in some things that happen in life, or maybe in myself…is it me scared, unsure, are they maybe happy tears, what is it?  What is it with all this emotional load? Is it positive, is it negative? I really can’t seem to know what is wrong with me tonight. All I know is that it’s not just the divorce thing, it’s more and I really don’t understand it. I am literally crying here as I’m typing these very words. 😦

I remember when I was little, playing in my bedroom with dolls or reading books or whatever child-like thing I was doing, I would sometimes burst into laughter out of the blue. I would somehow find something so funny and just laugh so hard. Mom and Dad would hear me and come see me and would want to laugh with me, and share a cute funny moment with their daughter. I remember the smiles on their faces, seeing me so happy and carefree,  that I couldn’t even explain what was the reason that made me laugh so hard. And boy was I laughing and laughing till my tummy would start to hurt and eventually, I would burst into crying from all that laughing. Only later on in life, I found out there was an excess of energy there that had to be elliminated somehow, so what happened was that the brain would ‘find a way’ to get rid of that extra energy.

Now, that I come to think of it, I’m trying to figure out if maybe, just maybe, positive beautiful things start happening in my life, as I gradually learn to let go of past life, slowly making peace with it and healing, and making my way into the unknown called Future, by living the moment of now. Have I forgotten how it feels to laugh with all your heart, so bad that once I’ve discovered I can actually smile and laugh again, it’s become a bit too overwhelming? Is that what it is? Well if that’s what it is, I can get used to it, no worries. 😛 We know what they say, it’s the beginning which is always the hardest. Or is it the mixture of the pain of letting go and the beauty of the present that is doing this to me? But then again, what is it with women and trying to define things? We could learn a thing or two from men, when it comes to this. Honestly. Us, women, we complicate things a little bit, but men (real ones, at least) love us even so, with all this need of ours to explain, and try to define everything and… Well, safe to say both genders are charming in their own way. 🙂

You know what’s funny? Today was one of the most beautiful day this city’s had since spring began. A really sunny, warm spring day, with all the trees having bloomed overnight, doves flying in the sky, some stopping at my window to check up on Kate. Or so I wanted to think. And for the first time in many days, no ambulance siren in the air. It was beautiful.

After I finished working on some of the documents I had to prepare for tomorrow, I went out to do some quick grocery shopping and decided to take a walk first. The setting sun was simply too breathtaking, for me not to witness it in its entirety. As usual, headsets in, world off, KatieMode on. But this evening, something was different….

Have you ever walked the streets of your city, just trying to relax, needing some moments on your own, just with and for yourself, (you know, when you shut everything else and try to go inside yourself)? And possibly begin to understand more of your role here and even yourself better? I’m sure you have. But have you uncontrollably started to cry small silent tears and just couldn’t stop from crying? And feel embarassed (even if you know inside they are YOUR tears, and it’s YOUR life, and it’s YOUR healing, and you shouldn’t be afraid to be YOURSELF), but still, even knowing all this, feel so freakin’ embarassed and vulnerable to the world?

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Yeah. It happened to me. Tonight. With every step made, each time I was putting one foot in front of the other, almost like marching on, a teardrop would fall. Yes, this was Katie a few hours ago. Katie and her issues 😦 But yep. It happened. I somehow stopped crying at some point and felt better. Got home, had dinner, turned on the computer, and… here we go again with the waterworks….

I’ve never really had that happening, maybe not to this extent, I don’t know. I could start worrying that I’m going crazy, but I think that once I’ve started to write about it, it means that I’m aware something went on deep down in my soul, I’m aware of this, I’m willing to accept it and I know it will go away at some point tonight. So maybe I’m not crazy, after all. Maybe it’s yet another step. Maybe it’s something good. All I  know is that crying is healing and it’s cleansing the soul.

I do know that sometime during this particular day, I think it was in the morning, before even going on Twitter, I started writing something about selfishness and certain situations, based on my life experience that have had an impact on how I see several feelings that we usually call virtues, and how being selfish destroys the quality of those virtues and hurt people’s hearts. And just by writing those very words, I remember getting angrier and angrier with every line I was writing. Maybe not angry, but sad and disappointed. I remembered things that’ve hurt me in my life, I remember how I myself have learned a lot and even though I’ve always tried to give my last shirt for everyone, including those I don’t feel close to, I did have my moments, and looking back now, maybe I could’ve been a better person. Anyway, I think this might have added to whatever it is that I’m feeling inside now, hence all that emotional load and the need to release it…

So, this was me today..

I write what I feel and I’ve got nothing to hide.

Or…

I would be the most hypocrite person to say that there aren’t feelings that I keep just to myself. But I think we all have them. It’s part of being who we are, not necessarily trying to be a mystery to the others around us, but simply guarding our hearts a little more, or things that have hurt us too much to even consider saddening our loved ones with all those stories. They can also be things which you haven’t yet managed to understand, and so how can you share it with someone if you yourself haven’t figured them out? Or simply something you want to forget. Or maybe something you never wanna forget, a memory of the past, but for the moment at least, you want to keep it to yourself. And this doesn’t make you a liar or a selfish person. It may just mean that you need a little more time. A little more patience from the others.

You know, there’s this wonderful moon outside, making me think of this Universe and how we can all contribute to making this world at least a little bit better. Maybe I’m crying because I haven’t yet taken all the steps into making some of these dreams come true. Maybe I’m crying because I know that if I put all my heart into them, they will become true, and that would mean seeing my parents and my dear ones here a little more seldom, it would also mean leaving behind a world, that even so with all the least pleasant things in it, has nevertheless shaped me and made me who I am today. Enough to want to become a better human-being. Maybe I’m crying because I wish DAD was here to just give me a hug and look me in the eyes, smile and tell me “I’m with you. And you’ve got this”. I know I have the most amazing parents in the whole wide world, the most amazing Dad, whom I love beyond words! But sometimes I wish I saw my natural Dad and give him a hug…

As the Moon will set in a few hours, leaving room for the Sun to come and shed its light upon this part of the world, another day will come.

If I’m lucky enough, I’ll get to wake up, see all this miracle called Life, and be a part of it.

Sure, that will sometimes mean laughing, smiling, trying to make other people smile, but also moments of emotional load, followed by tears and feeling puzzled about all of it.

But no matter what, as long as I have two legs, as long as this Earth is still spinning, life will throw me out there, in the middle of it, to smile, to laugh, love and survive. Put one foot in front of the other, and go where dreams may lead me.

Yep. Marchin on’….